Saturday, December 15, 2012

Another Personal Ad Critique

Seeking Commitment-Minded Family Man - 32 (SE PDX)


Hello! I am a responsible, stable, warm person. I am a California transplant and I have lived in Oregon for over 8 years. I LOVE Portland and everything it has to offer: culture, parks, food, shops, all of it! I think I will probably retire here :)

I have worked for the same company for over 7 years and I have a wonderful job that I love. I own my own car, I rent a nice house in Sellwood, I have friends and a good life...I have a lot to offer! I have a nine-year old daughter. Her father moved to another state 6 years ago and has essentially disappeared from our drama whatsoever. I have always wanted a big family and unfortunately my six year relationship fell apart because he refused to help me realize that dream. I am an independent, strong person so I figured I could make my dream come true without a man. So I did. I got pregnant by a donor and I am now six and half months pregnant. I didn't think I would want to date while I was pregnant, I thought I wanted to do this all on my own. But very recently I found a fantastic person on CL whom I fell madly in love with. And since that happened, I realized I do want a life partner. I do want this new baby to have a good dad in her life. I want to be loved, needed, desired. Clearly I wouldn't be posting this ad if that relationship worked out and I realize my situation is not acceptable to everyone. I am mostly looking for another single father simply because they understand what a woman goes through when she is pregnant and all the changes that happen to her body and they will not be afraid of it. However, I am open to all types, pretty much all ages (would prefer that you not be too much younger than I am) and any ethnicity. I am looking for love and a long term serious relationship, a life we can build together. I would very much prefer you to have your own job and transportation as taking care of one child, and very soon two, is enough. I am serious about commitment so please only reply if you are too. Thank you for reading and if I am not the one you are looking for, good luck finding your one true love! 
This year, I've analyzed a few personal ads on Craigslist because I'm amazed by the demands people make in their search for a mate. Many of the demands are incredibly narcissistic and unrealistic. I think the above ad takes the cake in unrealistic.
What this ad tells me is that the woman is a poor judge of character. She obviously has difficulty picking men who will stick around. It makes me curious as to why that may be. Interesting that she is only 32 (or so she claims in the ad) but after a six year relationship did not go in the direction she hoped, she decided to have a second child via anonymous sperm donor. Who needs a man, right? Then when she was pregnant, she decided that she didn't want to experience that alone, so she met someone and thought he was great until he somehow left her, so now this is where she is: seeking a man who is willing to be a step-father to her first child and help her raise the incoming baby of some sperm donor. Are women really this stupid?!?
To any ladies who might be reading this post, let me give you some insight into the mind of a man. Here are my credentials: I am a man. I also served on two all-male U.S. Navy ships and I currently share a house with three other middle-aged men. In the Navy, I've seen just what kind of pricks men can be to women and shaking my head when women allow men to treat them less than they deserve. So, trust me when I say that I know the male psyche. Women need to understand how a man thinks. You may not agree, but you disagree at your own peril. Seriously...take these words to heart. It will save you heartache in the future.
You know that alpha male with the swagger and confidence that you find yourself drawn to? Proceed with caution! This is the type of male who will give you a kid or a few and walk away when someone younger and prettier than you comes along. Once you have a child or a few, your future prospects for a mate drop considerably. Most men do not want to help raise another man's child(ren). You can pretty much forget about any bachelor with no kids of his own coming to your rescue. That guy would be a saint and definitely not an alpha male type. The type of guy who would be willing to go from bachelorhood to instant family would be one of those "boring" nice guy, beta males that so many women complain about. You have to make a choice here: do you want unpredictable excitement and the downside of having to raise children on your own when your exciting alpha male dumps you for a younger woman? Or do you want the guy who will be there with you all the way to the retirement home? If excitement is what you crave, you can always pick up a book or take an exotic vacation occasionally to spice things up.
When you're dating a guy, you need to let him know early on that you are serious about a committed long term relationship. Do not let him string you along, especially not for six years. Your biological clock is ticking. If you want more children, you can't afford to waste any more years with someone who is only biding his time until someone better comes along. Learn how to discern a guy's level of interest in you. He may tell you things you want to hear, but most of that is said just to get into your pants. Why allow such a loser to use you until someone better comes along? You don't have time to waste.
If men keep abandoning you, this is a strong sign that there is something internal about you that keeps attracting the same type of man into your life. Perhaps you should not date according to your preferred "type" and consider going out on a couple dates with the kind of guy you normally wouldn't go out with. When you're with a man, watch how he treats other people, like the waiter or waitress at the restaurant, or animals, or children. Listen to what he tells you. What topics does he talk about in conversations. Is it mostly about him, his career, his high-tech toys? Does he seem to tell you things you want to hear? Perhaps he's good at reading you and is only playing the seducer's game.
Finally, I hope you realize that it takes more than just someone willing to make a long term commitment to you and your children for a marriage to work. You sound like you're willing to "settle" and that's a recipe for disaster. It is difficult to find a person that you "click" with on multiple levels (personality, soul-level, physically, and emotionally). You should be willing to be alone if you don't find that man who will fire on all four cylinders for you. Being in a marriage with someone you're not physically attracted to will mean a sexless marriage. Being in a marriage with someone you don't emotionally connect with means you'll be just two strangers occupying the same space. You said that you want to be loved, needed, and desired. The ad was completely all about you and your fear of raising two children alone. What do you offer the man who is willing to respond to your ad? You want a white knight to save you from this folly you're in. Good luck finding him. He's probably in the place you're not willing to look. You have a pattern and until you break it, you'll just end up with another man who will leave you an emotional wreck. Your children deserve a better life than that.

1 comment:

Trish and Rob MacGregor said...

Wow, what a powerful post, Sansego.