I use a "four pillar" criteria in determining compatibility. We have to hit all four points, or it's likely not going to work out. The "compatibility pillars" are:
(1) Spiritual - which means no atheists or conservative religions. I need to be with a woman who, if she doesn't share my interest in New Age Spirituality or membership in the Community of Christ, then she has to at least be open minded that I am passionate about my spirituality. I will not pressure or try to influence a lady to share my interests, and I won't tolerate any attempts to try and get me to join some spiritual group I'm not interested in (this would include Wicca, along with the conservative religions we all know about, or even the hardcore scientific-atheist worldview).
(2) Political - I actually have no problem dating a Republican if she is not an ideologue or a teabagger. Again, open-mindedness to different ideas is important, and a love of factual history (and not propaganda history as favoured by the likes of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann). But preferably, I'd rather date / marry a lady who is liberal / progressive / Democratic / independent / Green. It'll just make life easier, because I'd have a difficult time respecting a lady who believed anything Glenn Beck said or watched Fox News.
(3) Personal - How do we "click"? Do our personalities mesh well? Would we make compatible friends? Do I feel comfortable around her? Does her intelligence intrigue me?
And finally, but not necessarily importantly, (4) Physical - Are we physically attracted to one another? My preference tends to be racially mixed, ethnic, and / or foreign. I prefer women smaller than me and am repulsed by obesity (sorry if this offends anyone, but the thought of seeing any obese lady naked makes me want to vomit). My physical ideal is French actress Audrey Tautou. She is so adorably cute that she could get me to do anything for her. Whenever I see one of her movies, I get to experience the fantasy / illusion of love for awhile. She just lights up the screen and I would really love for some Audrey lookalike to walk into my life (if I can't meet the real one, I'll be happy with her doppleganger. We all supposedly have one or a few lookalikes running around the planet. I know because several people have told me that they've met someone who looks, acts, and talks like me...which is a scary thought!).
So, it's hard to find all four qualities. In the past 15 years, I've only had the opportunity to meet, get to know, and fall hard for just three ladies who hit the compatible four pillars. I really thought I found a potential keeper in the lady who wrote the following ad. We agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon at a little indy cafe in SE Portland called "Space Monkey Coffee." It was Bastille Day and I was hoping for fireworks.
Smart, Sexy and Down to Earth
Date: 2012-06-30, 3:10PM
I'm looking for an intelligent partner (35ish-46ish) with a fantastic sense of humor. Someone who is supportive w/out being patronizing or domineering. Who is comfortable with who he is w/out being arrogant. Someone with enough of the same interests that we can enjoy doing together. But with different interests that we are comfortable doing w/out the other. Someone with whom I can laugh, explore, grow and change.
No-no's are smoking, excessive drinking, any drugs (even 420), major self-esteem issues, chronic unemployment, heavy religion, Republicans and/or devotees of Fox News too. Also include any history of infidelity. . .or voting for Bush. *shudder* I'm a liberal, what can I say? I need to be able to respect the person I'm with :)
A microcosm of all that is me is below. There is much more to know...
I'm a divorced, white female. 5"6", 120lbs, dark blonde hair, hazel eyes (with glasses). I'm an only-parent of one kiddo. I have a BA in science and am gainfully employed. Successful even. I donate to charities. I volunteer, I'm smart, confident, sexy, down-to-earth and warm-hearted. Just like my title suggests :)
I like being healthy and stay fit with yoga, pilates, walking, gardening, etc. I have a quiet energy that is active yet also happy with lazy weekend mornings reading, watching TV and/or playing video games.
Still with me? I love learning and exploring new locales (near and far), ideas and activities. Although my interests have a firm basis in geek- and nerd-dom, they vary widely depending on what's sparking my interest at the time. I've read about cooking, history, culture, language, etc. NPR provides much of my non-sci-fi/fan reading ideas.
I absolutely don't deal in drama. Things happen in life. I deal, I learn, I move on. I don't carry baggage but perhaps a little more wisdom and a little less naivete...
Random facts about me:
- According to Myers Briggs, I have an INTJ ("scientist") personality type, one of only about 1% of women,. As one description puts it: "INTJ are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing a lot of sense, stability and insight into any romantic relationship". Hey, they said it, not me ;)
- I use emoticons waaay too much. I habit I'm (obviously unsuccessfully) trying to break...
- I have lived overseas.
- Last movie seen in the theater was Avengers...on Mother's Day.
- Some favorite shows are The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Doctor Who, and Community. I won't say no to Mythbusters either...
- My last airplane trip was to Kauai over Thanksgiving. Loved it! Extremely beautiful there. Definitely want to go back.
- I'm always on the hunt for new recipes to try. I have an incredible rustic bread recipe. First time I made it, I understood what they meant in Ratatouille about the "sound of bread".
- I have a belly ring. You'll have to be really, really nice before you can see it. No ink...but I've thought about it. Haven't seen a design I've liked enough yet.
After a 90 minute conversation, I walked away disappointed and frustrated. There were a few things about the conversation that bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what until I had reached the bus stop several blocks away. Then it hit me like Eureka! In all our emails and during the entire conversation, she did not ask what college I went to. She didn't ask much about my family, either. And based on answers to some of my questions, she showed a consistent pattern to me: she's not a very curious person. In fact, even though the conversation was pleasant, overall, I thought she was boring. In her ad, she makes herself try to sound interesting, but in actual conversation, she was cagey about some questions and rather evasive. For someone who claims to be "well traveled", she could not or would not tell me about any of her travel experiences or memories. She was either "too young" or she "couldn't remember." She lived most of her life overseas, due to a mother who worked for the United Nations. I committed a major goof and felt like an ass when I asked if her mother still worked for the U.N. She then, with some pain apparent on her face, informed me that her mother had died in the 1990s. Yikes. Boy, did I feel like an ass.
Earlier, when I asked about her parents, she said, "I didn't think we'd be talking about our parents." Ouch! Really? Is that topic really off-limits? I don't talk or ask about finances, sex, or past relationships. A decade ago, when I asked my date about what kind of music she listened to, she got evasive and didn't want to tell me. I was shocked. It stuns me what some people consider "too personal" to talk about. For example, one co-worker at That Place That Shall Not Be Named who was interested in me, she said it was none of my business when I asked her why she wanted to join the Peace Corps or why she had three cats. But she was quite open with me about her not having sex in two years, her desire to be a dominatrix, and her selling of marijuana on the side to make extra money. Okay!
This lady that I met for a chai latte on Bastille Day did tell me an interesting thing about her son. She seemed concerned that he is a "little capitalist" who loves playing Monopoly. She said that she hopes to steer him in a different career direction. I told her that it might not be possible, that it might be better to encourage him to pursue his interest and try to influence a more ethical and generous approach to capitalism. She asked if I was more of a nature guy in the "nurture vs. nature" debate. I didn't want to get into it, though, because my beliefs might be too much to reveal, especially when she claims that her son is an atheist. I didn't tell her this, but I believe that children are not clean slates on which parents can impose their dreams upon. Children are eternal souls who came into human life to fulfill their own life's mission and interests. The best thing a parent can do is to identify the talents and interests early on and encourage them in the pursuit of their natural talent, rather than wasting time trying to steer them in directions they might not be interested in at all. This lady believes that children naturally rebel against their parents. Well, maybe in adolescence, but I think when they are still in the single digits, they aren't that rebellious. They just have a will of their own. Anyhow, when she talked about how she hopes to mold him in the right direction, I got the sense that she's probably not on the same spiritual wavelength as I am. Which is okay, since there's no future happening between us.
I had hoped that with all that we had in common in the email exchange that she would be the soul that had agreed to meet me at this time and place. It would take a "soul recognition" to confirm that and because I have experience with "soul recognition" with at least 5 friends of mine, I knew what it would feel like if we both recognized each other. However, I had arrived at the cafe an hour early due to not knowing how long it would take by bus and walking from the stop to the cafe. I saw a lady come in, order a chai, glance at me, and walked outside to sit on a chair and wait. Since she had sent a picture of her, I knew what she looked like and went outside and asked if she was waiting for me. There was no soul recognition upon meeting her. We are just two humans who have some things in common, but no click, no chemistry, no connection, no fireworks.
In her ad, she claimed to be "sexy" but I failed to see it. She was rather average. An Olive Oyl-type. I can't believe she thinks she's sexy. French women are sexy. Italian women are sexy. She is so not sexy! But, as I learned when I met Jenet a dozen years ago...I did not find Jenet physically attractive at first (many people find her beautiful and she is, but just not the type that I find beautiful for me), but when she was introduced to me and she opened her mouth and intelligent words poured out, I was smitten with her at the start. Because of that experience, I know that a lady's actual looks matter less to me than personality and intelligence. If that came out in my meeting with this lady on Saturday, I might have found her to be attractive / beautiful, but instead, she was rather plain and failed to engage my intellect in a way that would make me go wow. Yudelka, Jenet, and Christine were the three ladies who really captured my heart because of things they said that engaged my mind in a way that made me find them attractive and, yes, sexy.
Saturday evening, I mulled over what I might say to her in an email. I was willing to go on a couple more dates to see if things might change and she might do or say something that intrigues me enough to give her a chance. But, on Sunday afternoon, I received an email from her and she confirmed the doubts I felt after I left the cafe on Saturday. She didn't feel a romantic connection either, so that's that. A mutual lack of attraction. Definitely not a potential soul mate situation. More like the Trickster striking again...pumping up my hopes with all the similarities between us (including a love of Johnny Clegg's music), only to dash it with a cold splash of reality. So much for using the Universal Law of Attraction to manifest my dream lady into my life. Back to my Law of Attraction notebook. As Esther Hicks might say, this date only clarified even further what I'm looking for in a mate: CURIOSITY is an important trait to me. I'd be bored with a woman who lacked it. Christine taught me that kindness was an attractive quality to me (because she was incredibly kind and one of the things I loved most about her). Jenet taught me that I can see past a person's physical looks if she is not "my ideal" because personality and intelligence make up a huge portion of what is beautiful to me. And Yudelka taught me that race matters little. When I was with her, I never saw a woman with darker skin ("cinnamon tan" is what she called it). I saw an intelligent, beautiful woman that I wanted to spend my time with. So, here's to a better manifestation before summer ends!
After I received her email, I decided to check Craigslist to see if she posted a new ad. She certainly did...a mere three hours after our date ended. She changed the wording, but its definitely hers. Interestingly, she's an inch shorter after meeting me. Yikes! Was I that bad? When I think about all the dates I've been on, where a question of mine that I don't think is offensive gets a defensive or evasive response, I end up thinking that I'm far too open and casual. I don't like being guarded, like I'm interviewing for a job. I prefer to be real and honest so we don't waste each another's time with emotional games and pretenses. Here's to the continued search. This time, I'm going to pay for a month on Match.com and try my luck there.
Here's the lady's revised ad. I can't believe she's still using "well-traveled" and "sexy" to describe herself. I think she seriously needs to clean her mirror as well as learn how to share some of her travel experiences / memories with a guy. It's a disappointment when someone misrepresents themselves in an ad. Oh well. I hope she finds the man she's looking for.
And...she posted yet another ad on Monday! She's serious about finding a guy, I guess.
Intelligent and Passionate
Date: 2012-07-14, 5:40PMDo you long for weekend mornings listening to Wait, Wait on the radio and cuddling? Spending afternoons exploring new locales or browsing Powell's? Maybe driving the Fruit Loop? Or simply enjoying each other's company while catching up on episodes of the Daily Show?
Do you read something interesting in the news and wish you had someone intimate to share it with? Do you enjoy the small moments in life spent with a partner? Perhaps cooking or filling our a crossword together? Is a bookish, intelligent, well-traveled, sexy woman your type?
A little about me: 5'5", 120 lbs, dark blonde hair, divorced mom, gainfully employed, home-owner. Compassionate, introspective, independent, generally optimistic (although the Bush years were rough). I don't smoke, drink or do drugs.
You: 35-46ish. No smoking, drugs or excessive drinking. Employed.
To find out more, drop me a line!
Lunch Downtown on Thurs? - 37 (Downtown PDX)
Date: 2012-07-16, 1:12PM PDT
Weather looks to be more or less decent this week. Anyone who works downtown Portland (or can easily get there) want to meet for lunch this Thursday (7/19)? Around 11:30 at the Salmon St Springs? Time and location is slightly negotiable depending on our relative schedules and location.
A little about me: 5'5", 120 lbs, dark blonde, hazel eyes, home owner, reserved yet friendly, good conversationalist. I have a BA and a professional career. I don't smoke drink or do drugs. Non-religious - I'm not going to proselytize, I promise!
You: single, around 35-46, employed, don't engage in smoking, drugs or excessive drinking, not excessively religious. . .
If you're interested in meeting up, drop me an email telling me about yourself. Please attach a pic.
If you need a starting point of what to say in your email here are some ideas to get you started:
Bush or Obama?
Some favorite books/movies/TV shows?
Some favorite Portland hangouts?
Places you've air- traveled to?
Favorite day trip?
Some favorite weekend activities? Besides the obvious. . .you're a guy, I get it ;)