Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Beauty and Ugly
Last week, I went out...which is kind of rare for me. I've been extremely busy lately with helping a friend on a campaign, helping another friend with papers he's writing for school, and trying to manage my own life. I hardly see my apartment anymore. Its become mostly a crash pad for sleep and storing my stuff, not a place to just chill and catch up on my reading. Since March, my life has really picked up steam. In fact, I'm confidently going to say that I definitely feel as though I have finally come out of what I deem "the sixth dark night of the soul period". That's a post for another day.
As I was out at a pretty happening watering hole, I noticed a gorgeous young lady. I was attracted at first sight. I watched her talk with other guys and she had the most incredible facial expression as she spoke and listened to them. In fact, she looked kind of familiar to me, but I had never met her before. She kind of resembles actress Maryam d'Abo (pictured above). She also looks like some of the pictures of ladies I have on a special vision board devoted to the kind of lady I hope to attract into my life. I thought all of this was a good sign, so I worked up the nerve to talk to her, thinking of what angle in which to initiate a conversation. When I finally found my way in, I noticed immediately with her facial expression that she was not interested in talking to me. But she indulged me for awhile. Then, at some point where her patience expired, she turned her head like an owl and all I saw was her hair. Wow. Am I that burdensome to talk with?
Of course, I had a laugh about it on the walk home. It amazed me how obvious her disinterest was and how ugly she behaved. It begs the question...how can a beautiful young lady be so ugly? Its not surprising to me, because I have plenty of experience. Pretty white women simply do not like me at all. This was true in high school, the Navy, college, my internship, and the business world. By "pretty", I mean the beauty queen type who is naturally attracted to the all-American jock type. This pretty type represents the most shallow level one can be. The joke's on them, though. The problem with physically beautiful people who are too shallow to talk to anyone they don't find attractive is that they did not get their beauty because of anything they did. It was all a result of their genetic lottery. Basing one's life on how one looks is not good, because such people only remain on the surface as they intermingle with other shallow people.
As I walked home and thought about the exchange, I thought of how I interact with people. I am an introvert, so it is very uncomfortable for me to go up to someone I don't know and initiate a conversation because I always fear being rejected for such superficial reasons as this beautiful young lady did to me. Its far easier for me if other people come up to me and initiate a conversation because I have never rejected anyone in conversation. I genuinely enjoy meeting people and having conversations with them. Its rude to abruptly end a conversation with someone. Not that I was expecting to snag a date with this young lady. The little that I did learn indicated that she wasn't my type anyway.
However, it never hurts to make a new friend. After all, being so rude in rejecting people, you never know what you're turning down. Most of my friendships are long term and more than a few people have told me that the more they get to know me, the more that they like or find interesting. Based on appearances, I don't stand out in the crowd. In fact, I tend to be "invisible" to most people. But if people bothered to get to know me, they'd learn that I'm pretty intelligent, informed, unique, well-traveled, and have experienced a lot more than most people have.
So, while I would never reject a person making an introductory conversation, there are people who I do not speak to. But this usually comes about after I have made the point to get to know them and realizing that they just aren't worth my energy to maintain a fake facade. No one seems to like phony friendliness and I won't participate in that ritual. If you find that I'm not talking to you or acknowledging your existence, there's probably good reason: I DO NOT LIKE YOU! At work, there are about five people whom I do not even say hello or anything to. I've always gotten negative vibes around them and have seen how shitty they treat other co-workers that I just stay as far away from them as possible. I don't think its rude not to speak to certain people after you've gotten to know them and find that you have nothing in common. In case you're wondering...no, I don't even speak to School Marm unless I absolutely have to (about work related stuff). She's a non-entity in my world (though I have caught her staring at me quite a few times, which makes me think that she might have been attracted to me and angry that I didn't return the interest).
School Marm represents the worst of all possibilities: Ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside. The next level above that is someone who is beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside. Above that is someone who is "ugly" or plain on the outside but beautiful on the inside. The best of all possibilities is someone who is beautiful on both the outside and the inside.
This brings me to two ladies I wanted to write about. First, Christine. Yes, Christine. As I walked home that night after being dismissed by the pretty young lady, I thought about Christine and how her kindness was the most attractive quality she had. That's still what I am searching for in my ideal mate. A lady who is kind. Its the most beautiful quality to possess. Christine has it in spades. Miss Pretty Young Thang does not.
The other lady is Brooklyn, whom I consider to be the most beautiful woman I have ever met. What's most striking about her was how we met. I had attended the pre-D.C. holiday party for Washington Seminar participants at BYU. This was a chance to meet the folks we would be experiencing D.C. the following semester with. As I looked around the room trying to find someone to approach and talk to, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned and looked, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen looking right at me and initiating a conversation WITH ME!!! That NEVER happens in my life. Ever. Beautiful women avoid me like a disease. Not Brooklyn. We fell into an easy conversation and I didn't scare her off with my "depth." As I got to know her during the following semester, she was well traveled (how rare it is that a beautiful American girl travels in Cambodia and Thailand by herself!), interested in ideas, and enjoys meeting people (and not being afraid of their imperfections). I got to see the beauty from within and I'm convinced that Brooklyn has some of the best life karma anyone can muster in a lifetime. It truly is a blessing to be beautiful internally and externally.
Thus, I feel sorry for this pretty young lady that I met last week. I generally feel sorry for shallow people because external beauty is not the be-all and end-all of life. What matters the most is what's inside. I'm sorry that she's too perfect to talk to the likes of me. If there's karmic justice in the universe, it would be amusing if she has a bad boy fixation (like Sandra Bullock). It makes me wonder if beauty-queen types are more likely to be drawn into these self-destructive relationships. Maybe its God's way of teaching them depth.
Now, to find a lady with depth, kindness, and an interest in intriguing conversations without passing judgment based on their perfect little lives. A lady like the one I met from Malaysia a couple weeks ago while waiting for the streetcar back to my apartment. She initiated a conversation with me and we had a great time talking. I didn't have a pen on me and thus lost the chance to get her name and number to continue the conversation over a meal or some place fun. Our conversation was so easy and it flowed, revealing a common interest (traveling!). Its amazing that I can engage in conversation with just about anyone...EXCEPT perky, pretty cheerleader / beauty queen types. As I learned since adolescence, these women might be considered "the most beautiful" in the high school and pageantry worlds, but by spiritual standards, they are pretty ugly at their core, and that's all that matters in the end. Its her loss, though, to be so shallow and vain. I meet more fascinating ladies than this young lady will ever be.