Salmonella Springs (Episode 1): Wailin' in the Desert

As promised last week, Thursdays on my blog will feature a creative writing exercise with a brand new serial drama satire, modeled along the lines of Knots Landing, Dallas, and Dynasty but with a political spin. Since I love to mix fact with fiction, readers will have to keep up with current events to catch telling references. Most of all, this is a satire. Any resemblance to public figures is both intentional and satirical. Without futher ado, I present to you...

The heat burned with more intensity than the summer Marathon Wailin spent in Arizona as a construction worker. Then again, most of the road constrution he worked on was done at night, when they wouldn't fry on asphalt like those eggs he saw in an anti-drug commercial as a kid.

No, this heat was much, much worse. For two weeks, he and his platoon were out patrolling in it. Looking out for snipers and roadside bombers. Why did he have to volunteer for duty in Iraq? The question lingered for a second before he remembered his reason. He was a patriotic American, inspired by John McCain's service in Vietnam. He believed in what America was doing in Iraq. Anyone who thought differently...well, they were a traitor and should be shot. He'd gladly volunteer to pull the trigger and blast them away. Even a hajji would suffice as a surrogate. Just give him one shot and that fucker was roadkill. They lived like dogs, and who can blame them. This heat was enough to make anyone go crazy. No wonder why the hajjis volunteered for a chance to kill themselves.

After their patrol into the red zone of Iraq, his platoon got to rest up inside the security of the Green Zone in central Baghdad. Compared to all that he had seen in this God-forsaken landscape, the Green Zone was an absolute paradise. A Garden of Eden in the Desert of Allah. There was the coolness of the marble Republican Palace, with a mess hall that served all kinds of American-style food. Sure beats the bland MRE anyday. There were the air conditioned trailers, a couple of restaurants and even a club where alcohol was served. The pool was a popular hang out. All that was missing were the chicks. Sure, there were a few who worked for the State Department. But it was a fight to get their attention. A long line of guys and the woman had her choice of men. Some of the ladies even went out with a different guy each night. At that rate, she could spend a year in the Green Zone and not date the same guy twice. He didn't like those odds. But he loved a good challenge. Time for the charm offensive. Flashing a bleeched white grin with a raised brow seemed to do the trick. He never lacked confidence, that's for sure. Something his dad taught him at an early age.

When his convoy passed through security and safely entered the Zone, the Kevlar vests came off, and he jumped from his Humvee, rushing to the nearest head to take advantage of the luxury of a flushing toilet instead of digging a hole like a dog. No sooner did he come out of the restroom than his buddy was flagging him down.

"Check this out, sucker!"

"What?"

"I was checking the Net for my latest downloadable fantasy girl and found my MILF."

He hated that term. MILF. The guys in his platoon often go on about the kind of MILFs they'd hook up with. If it wasn't that, it was on the younger side of the equation. He didn't know which was worse. What's wrong with a girl their age? Most of them were between 19 and 21. Old enough to die for their country, but too young to drink legally.

"Is that all you think about, Johnston?"

"When you've been in the desert for as long as I have, especially in a sandbox like this with women all covered up, sometimes fantasy is the only thing left. Besides, I don't think I've seen an over 40 woman looking this hot. She's a total MILF. I bet she popped out at least three kids, but she still looks hot."

The photo he downloaded showed a woman wearing a bikini and standing in front of a fire engine. She had the kind of body that twenty year old beauty pageant contestants displayed to judges and audiences, while answering idiotic questions about gay marriages and the U.S. education system. The lady in the photo looked much older, though. Beautiful, but definitely not in her twenties or even thirties. The photo was the latest sensation on the Internet. In fact, it caused an uproar because the photo was taken from a Myspace page.

"Let me see that," Wailin said, as he grabbed the paper from Johnston's hands.

"Like I said, total MILF, right?"

"She's no MILF--"

"Of course she is! Every guy in this platoon would do her. She's a prime-rate MILF!"

"Listen, damnit! She's not a MILF," Wailin said with a force that startled his buddy. "She's my mother."