I know I've been kind of harsh in my assessment of you on my blog, but since today is your birthday (Happy 62nd!), I wanted to write a public letter to you on my blog (even though I doubt that you read blogs). Maybe Dick Cheney can give you a head's up if he gets a warning memo from the National Security Agency that I'm writing treasonous things again.
I wish we could have a conversation in person, just the two of us, over a latte. There are a few things I wanted to ask you. But don't worry. I wouldn't record it nor would I require you to swear an oath (since you hate doing that, possibly for fear that God only holds you accountable for the oaths you make)...but I do have two conditions: you can't wear a wire and earpiece like you did during your debates against John Kerry in 2004 and Dick Cheney cannot be in the room with you like during your interview with the 9/11 Commission.
The first question I'm dying to know is: During a 1999 debate in Iowa, you had told the moderator that your favourite political philosopher is Jesus because he changed your heart. If that is the case...please explain to me exactly what Jesus did that you consider political. I also want to know what specifically did Jesus say that you consider to be philosophy. Thirdly, I want to know exactly how he changed your heart because as governor, you executed over 150 inmates. I simply cannot understand how a person who claims to follow Jesus would do such a thing. Didn't Jesus say to turn the other cheek and forgive your enemies? Didn't Jesus tell people that how you treat the lowest in society is how you treat him?
Speaking of that, since you became president, you've authorized torture and rendition and in one State of the Union address, you actually smirked and almost laughed when you told the audience that there are some terrorists who will never harm America again. Does it make you feel all manly that you can dispose of human lives so easily, without losing sleep? What would your Jesus think about that?
The second thing I would ask you is about what you said on the campaign trail in 1999 and 2000. You said that you never wanted to be president. So, why did you run in the first place? Why did you authorize such a nasty smear on rival John McCain in South Carolina? Was it to avenge daddy's defeat in 1992? Was it to finish the job he didn't in Iraq? Was it to prove to your daddy that you are more successful than him? I mean, what was your true motive? And speaking of smirks, whenever I saw you smirk, it was always interesting to me what you were saying the moment that smirk appeared. I always got the impression that your smirk was your body's betrayal of a lie. The smirk was a dead giveaway that you were lying and couldn't believe people were letting you get away with your blatant lies. I concur. Your followers are dumber than Texas cattle shit. You sure fooled them, didn't ya? But I had you pegged since the summer of 1999 when you wouldn't answer the cocaine rumours. You always changed the subject to say that you were faithful to your wife or answered that when you were young and stupid, you did young and stupid shit. So, I guess nothing's changed in the past nine years we've gotten to know you.
The third thing that I would ask you is, how the hell do you sleep at night? Does your conscience even work? Are you aware of how incompetent you are? Do you realize what a major failure your entire administration is? Do you understand that history is going to rank you dead last among presidents? I mean, you have to be a serious fuck-up to beat the likes of Nixon, Buchanan, Hoover, Coolidge, and Harding!
One thing I can't believe is how you'd dare to spend the Fourth of July this year at Monticello to swear in new citizens. You are no Jefferson. In fact, if he were alive and around, he'd call you a tyrant. You have more in common with King George III, whom our patriots rebelled against in 1776, than you do with any of the Founding Fathers. Even though you're clueless about our nation's history, I'm glad that there were people there to shout you down and embarrass you in front of new citizens. It's about time you stepped out of your bubble of yes-men and women.
But, since it is your birthday, I suppose I should tell you that despite it all, I find you a likeable guy with your frat boy joking and extroverted personality. You really could have been a great president if you did a few things differently...such as asking Americans to sacrifice their consumption lifestyle in the wake of 9/11 (instead of telling us that "shopping will defeat terrorism"). You could have made a Kennedyesque challenge to the country to produce automobiles that run on renewable resources by decade's end. Something visionary and noble. But no, you saw 9/11 as a chance for the Republican party to dominate American politics through corrupt practices for another generation. By the way, how did that turn out?
In all honesty, I have sympathy for you. Why? Not because you deserve it. I just read biographies on you and one thing comes through quite clear. You had to grow up with an emotionally distant father who had a career that would intimidate anyone, much less a namesake son who everyone expected to follow in his footsteps. You were never allowed to be true to yourself and be what you really wanted to be in life (a baseball player or owner). Everyone had these unrealistic expectations and maybe that's why you ran your presidency the way you did: subconsciously, you wanted to fail at the most important job in the world to get back at all those snobby, elitist New Englander types you disdained at Andover and Yale.
It's also quite clear that you grew up with an emotionally cold mother who never allowed you to grieve properly when your sister died while you were in childhood. Instead, you learned to mask your pain behind a somewhat cruel sense of humor by giving nicknames to people and smirking and executing and torturing. God, what will you do next?
I feel sorry for you, George, because in all your actions, you continue to show that you don't know the first thing about spirituality. One day, at the end of your life, when you have to account for everything you did, you won't be smirking anymore. Your soul that you denied for so long is going to learn the true meaning of life on earth. You wasted it on ego pursuits. You could've been a great president if you had transcended party politics and been the president for all Americans and upheld American traditions and values. Because you threw all that away, your legacy and your life will be remembered as a complete waste. I think I read somewhere that sometimes, you can do such bad things that it would've been better had you never been born. Too much bad karma isn't going to get you into heaven, especially when you helped to create hell on earth.
Have a happy birthday in your last year in the White House. Please do the world a favor and at least try to work at redeeming yourself in the few months you have left in office. That means no waging war against Iran!
Sincerely not yours,
Nicholas of Portland
P.S. If you really want to gain the world's sympathy and perhaps improve your standing in the history books...buy some rope and find a nice, sturdy tree to hang from. Just make sure you leave behind a note that implicates Cheney for everything and apologize profusely for stealing the election in 2000. If you do that, sympathy will be with you and Cheney will come out looking like the bad guy he truly is.